Trusted by an inbred group chat of San Francisco VCs and one Almond Mom

We look more like everybody else than anybody else.

Ship production-grade sameness in minutes with globally distributed buzzwords, default gradients, and AI features nobody asked for. Whole meal enterprise. Fr fr.

My Cousin's Startup

2.5x at burning VC money on coke

Some Guy on X

Of Course You Do, You're 12

Big Chopped Unc

-50 Aura Points

AI Slop

Bolt on AI features nobody asked for without understanding any of the underlying technology.

The virgin 'carefully fine-tuned model with eval suites' vs the chad 'just wrap GPT-4 in a Next.js route handler and call it an AI platform.' Deploy hallucinating chatbots and RAG pipelines that retrieve the wrong documents.

>be me
>add AI to todo app
>$200 openai bill first day
>it just says 'I cannot help with that'
>ship it anyway

Deploy AI Slop

Platform Surface Area

Your product, eventually. Probably. Inshallah.

A bloated suite for teams shipping production-grade sameness with globally distributed buzzwords, default gradients, and investor-friendly dashboards. Clunkers optional, bussin if you don't think about it too hard.

AI Agents

Sentient

Deploy autonomous workflows that autonomously decide to spend your entire monthly budget in one afternoon. Based and bankrupted.

Hallucinations

Loops

Cope

AI Slop

Wrapper

Ship ChatGPT wrappers with model routing that always routes to the most expensive option. No cap this is just a fetch() call.

Latency

Tokens Burned

Seethe

CRUD Apps

Edge™

Build globally mid frontends with edge rendering that somehow still takes 4 seconds to load a todo list. Of Course You Do, You're 12.

Bundle Size

Hydration

Regret

Dropshipping

Hustle

Orchestrate storefront, checkout, and content systems to sell $3 AliExpress products for $49.99. Chopped and screwed.

Refunds

Chargebacks

Rizz

Multi-tenant Platform

Mald™

Operate isolated tenant environments so each customer's data breach is artisanally contained. Anon, this is just subdomains.

Tenants

Incidents

Blame

Framework-Defined Infrastructure

Scale your Enterprisewithout compromising Security (trust me bro)

Ship faster with infrastructure that follows your framework conventions, centralizes governance, and enforces production-grade controls by default.

>be anon
>use framework-defined infra
>still get chopped
>at least the DX was bussin

Explore Infrastructure Contact Enterprise

Global edge network

Deploy once, edge-cache your fake morals.

The virgin shipping code with principles vs the unc doing PR laps with a known war criminal while tweeting "values." 47 edge regions, 0 ethical uptime, infinite 500s in prod.

Runtime + Inference

Compute and AI routing, unified. Kinda. Don't @ me.

Fluid Compute

Autoscale from lukewarm starts to peak cope.

The virgin 'predictable fixed-cost server' vs the chad 'autoscaling bill that spikes faster than your heart rate during a deploy.' Fluid Compute continuously balances instance reuse, concurrency, and vibes. Sigma engineers don't even look at the bill fr fr.

Explore Fluid Compute

AI Gateway

Route to the best model by vibes.

import { gateway } from "@ai-sdk/gateway";

const PR = process.env.PR_TEXT ?? "fixed typo, added 14 vibes";

const prompt = [
  "summarize this PR in exactly 3 bullets",
  "- keep it useful",
  "- keep it short",
  "- roast me gently if needed",
  "",
  PR,
].join("
");

const result = await gateway.generate({
  model: "auto", // whichever model woke up first
  policy: "low-latency",
  prompt,
});

console.log(result.text ?? "model stared into the void and returned nothing");

Top Model Traffic

dick-fuck-9000.234%
vibe-check-sonnet-6927%
copeini-1.5-bro21%
llama-unc-420b18%